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Wednesday, January 12, 2005


You may remember my "delight" at the two social engagements I was due to attend this week - one on Monday night, one on Tuesday night.

I'd had a bit of a mentally crappy weekend, and so really couldn't be arsed to make the effort to attend on Monday. But with the words of my mental health dudes ringing in my ears (proverbially), I headed out to the venue.

Arrived a fashionable 15 minutes late and, for some reason, decided to check my mobile before going in. Only to find a message telling me it was cancelled.

Now the funny thing is that in days of yore I would have loved this. The number of events that I hoped against hope would be cancelled - for any reason, however unlikely. But now I'm into this whole facing the anxiety thing, I was incredibly pissed off as I headed back home.

Fortunately, no such problems with yesterday's event. Arrived at the venue, and actually managed to have a very good time. Even ate - voluntarily (two people weren't eating, so I coulda easily got out of it). Made a point of not being the first to leave. Then, as I left, got the post-event jitters again. Just like after the Christmas meal. So experienced an unpleasant walk back to the tube station, an unpleasant tube journey and then, once again, the delights of retching once I reached London Bridge. However, I was not actually sick. The professionals - and actually I now - are viewing this as progress.

The Mighty Maudsley, which I visited this afternoon, once again helped get things into perspective. I had thought of it as a difficult and unpleasant week. The dudes reminded me that nothing had actually gone wrong, and that I'd carried on with things even though I'd felt bad. They've told me to try and stop beating myself up about things, and to look at what I do achieve rather than what (in my eyes) I don't. So I'm gonna try that.

And I feel less panicky about the end of therapy now. There are follow-up sessions, and they say I can always call if I'm having problems.

So, yeah, feeling more positive now. And the third season of the mighty Curb your Enthusiasm arrived today, courtesy of the truly wonderful PlayUSA.com. So tonight will be a Curb your Desperate Housewives night. I'm looking forward to it.


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