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Friday, July 01, 2005

McReadie Feels Sorry For Herself

Brace yourself: this is going to be a post where I wallow in self-pity a bit. I give you permission to skip it if you don't have the stomach for it. Go ahead - I won't ask questions later.

I leave to go on holiday tonight. I'm due to see the first three stages of the Tour de France.

I feel like crap. Sweaty, shakey, exhausted, sick, achey, lightheaded, dry mouthed etc. I need to eat, but my anxiety is currently so bad that the thought makes me want to throw up. I can't quite remember why I ever decided to do this. I am currently fantasising about just not going. Not showing up. Staying at home in "safety".

I've just re-read the "Anxiety Rules" I wrote at the end of therapy. That's helped a bit. Reminded me why I'm trying to do this. It's tough to keep focused sometimes when you don't have therapy sessions reinforcing messages every few weeks.

So, yeah, tonight at seven I board the coach. Overnight crossing. Then tomorrow I see the prologue time trial (well, it's not really a prologue this year - it's too long to be considered such). Then after the stage it's over to Nantes where we're staying for two nights. Sunday I see the first road stage, Monday the second road stage. Monday night it's back to the boat for an overnight crossing, and Tuesday I'm back in London.

Writing that down, I realise how ridiculous my high level of anxiety must seem. But there are just so many things in this trip which are the kind of things that make me nervous - coach journey (cos I get travel sick), meeting new people, eating in front of people etc etc.

I hope I can do it. I'm going to try.


  • At 12:11 PM, Blogger Hypatia said…

    You may feel sorry for yourself now - but think how proud of yourself you'll feel when you've been on your amazing holiday and come back to tell the tale. I'm looking forward to a lengthy, exciting write-up when you get back and I'm rooting for you and how far you will literally and figuratively be going. Take a deep breath - and enjoy!

  • At 3:39 PM, Blogger Barbara L. said…

    Hi McReadie,

    I've suffered from chronic anxiety at various points in my life, and the only way I got out of it is to go through it, if you know what I mean. Although our circumstances are different, I can completely emphathize with your feelings right now. So take some deep breaths, and take one step at a time. You can do it--and I'm very jealous that you're going to see the Tour de France. xoxo

  • At 5:53 PM, Blogger Fizzwhizz said…

    If things get really bad, think about Lance Armstrong's sweaty torso. Mmmmmmn! It's helping me through the afternoon already.
    You'll be cool anyway. Come next week you'll be writing another post all about how great it was and how good you feel. And you don't have to talk to any of the people on the coach if you don't want to...that's what iPods are for innit.

  • At 1:06 AM, Anonymous BB said…

    I hear you McReadie. I really hope you do ok. You know what I'm going through, we both have to do ok otherwise it's the 'blind leading the blind'. Thanks for all your support.

  • At 1:00 AM, Anonymous BB said…

    hey, no pressure... that post probably didn't come across the way it was meant to.


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